【东莞雅思作文批改】雅思作文批改-实例

摘要： 今天给大家带来了雅思写作范文批改实例相关内容，希望小编为大家介绍的内容能帮助大家在雅思考试当中无往而不利，取得雅思高分。

今天东莞英凯教育老师为大家带来一份 雅思 写作之真人真文搬上荧幕-雅思作文完全点评，希望考生们在看完这篇文章之后对 雅思写作 思路及结构构思有所帮助。
Topic: Children who grow up in families without large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with problems in their adult life than children who are brought up by wealthy parents. Do you agree or disagree?
Recently, the problem of how to cultivate the children’s abilities has become a hot issue in society.
(第一句话就有问题，the problem of …… has become a hot issue,翻译成中文就是“一个……的问题如今已经成为了一个……的问题”，而且problem用在这里也有问题，必须正确区分 question, problem和issue三者的区别，这里how to cultivate children’s abilities 不应该是一个problem,因为problem用在这里含义就跟trouble差不多。)
Most people thought (这里为什么用过去时?过去时说明人们以前这么想，现在已经不这么想了)that children who were born
in poorer families can deal (+with) problems better than those who were born with a silver in their mouthes (应该是with a spoon with silver in the mouth吧?即便如此这种说法也有中式英语之嫌，不推荐使用).
However, I want to claim that one’s ability is not associate(d) with his/her family circumstance, whatever (应该用 no matter) it’s rich or not, but it depends on his/her education level, environment as well as personality. (这里应该直接而明确地表明你的观点作为statement，即出生穷人家的孩子未必处理问题就强于富人家的孩子。Topic当中问的是”do you agree or disagree”，你首先要明确回答此问题，这就是评分标准当中的Task Response!)
(一上来第一段语言问题就不少，再次强调：一定要注意第一段，尤其是第一段第一句的正确性，绝对不要冒险使用自己没有完全把握的词汇和句型。像本文的第一段考官看到这里，不用看后面的内容，基本上已经预判为5分档的文章了。)
First of all, one’s education level is the (不用加the) essential to deal with problems. In his/her studying period, he/she has learned plenty of knowledge of culture and manners from their teachers. He/She should know how to treat with happenings in decent language and behaviour. There are many vivid instances you can see in the daily life. A simple example, a well educated man who wears simple cloth (穿着简单的布?)
stepped on another man’s foot unguardedly in crowded subway station, the latter who is dressed modern and decorated with jewelry shout abuse after the former apologized obliging. It’s a so ugly picture.(完全偏题的例子，这个例子只能说明一个人的素质和衣着无关，而你这一段的分论点是“一个人的教育背景和能力无关”，这是一个严重的扣分点!)
Moreover, one’s living environment is also an important element. If one lives in a complicated situation that (is) full of inferior people who are tyrannized, he/she must be influenced to settle cases in a rude way. On the contrary, if a personlives with high level friends who do everything considered and patiently, he/she would copy their merits to let the problem down gently.
(同样，这一段的内容和主题“穷人家的孩子处理问题未必就强于富人家的孩子”没有直接的因果关系，即分论点无法证明主题。可以用我上课讲过的检验分论点是否偏题的方法“验算”一下：因为“环境很重要”，所以“穷人家的孩子处理问题未必强于富人家的孩子”，does it make sense?)
At the end but not the least (有这种说法吗?请不要自己发明创造一些英语当中不存在的表达方法), one’s personality decides one’s ability. The psychologist said that one’s ability of solving the matters what (what多余!) happened in life is (+in) direct ratio with his/her optimistic or pessimistic personality. It is said that the optimistic person are more likely to communicate with others than pessimistic group. Good communication skill is a necessary and vital competence in (in多余!) nowadays.
Why there are many wars in the world that charge upon bad communication between countries.(这句话完全不知所云，既然是why开头的应该是问句喽?为什么又是句号结尾的呢?) So, in the (the多余) conclusion, whether one can become a marvelously able person is not basic (based) on the financial standar (standard) of family but other
qualifications.
总评： 这篇文章最大的问题在于主题与论证的逻辑关系，作者的主题是“一个人的能力不是由家庭出生而是由其他因素决定的”，然后分论点写的都是具体有哪些哪些“其他因素”，但问题在于我们要论证的到底是什么?这里作者遗漏了非常重要的一个部分，即“为什么个人能力不是由家庭出生所决定的”，这才应该是本文论证的重点!然而遗憾的是对于这个最关键的部分作者在文中几乎没有涉及，从而构成在Task response这一项评分标准上的致命失分!此外全文的语言使用也存在不少问题。因此虽然可以看出作者其实还是有一定语言功底的，但由于前述的两项关键性缺失(Task Response和Language Errors)，本文只能得4.5分。
以上就是东莞英凯教育（环球雅思分校）为各位雅思考生带来的雅思作文批改，预祝雅思考生们考出理想的成绩！如需了解更多雅思学习的相关信息，欢迎拨打东莞英凯教育（环球雅思分校）的免费咨询热线0769-21682008进行咨询，或者点击东莞英凯教育（环球雅思分校）官方网站页面的“在线咨询”与名师直接对话。雅思学习网站，请关注东莞英凯教育（环球雅思分校）。